Here it is the day before school begins and I am finally getting around to posting again. I have been thinking about this post for a long time and just have not taken the time to sit down long enough to get it done.
This past year has, no doubt, been the most difficult one in my life! The ups and downs of everyday life seem to be magnified when there is the cloud of grief in the air. As I am into the second month of the second year without Jon I have found that not much has changed...the flood of emotion is still there, the emptiness is still there and the big aching hole in your heart is still there. There are more good days than bad ones now and I can go to that dark place but I know that I don't want to live there...I cannot survive there.
Music and song have made a huge impact in my life. My mother was a "singer" my whole life. She sang everyday and everywhere. She had songs for rising in the morning and going to bed at night. She had songs for happy days and sad days. She sang church songs and popular songs. In other words...she sang and loved to sing. When I was growing up I loved songs on the radio. I would have notebook after notebook of the words of the songs that I loved. My mom told me once that if I would learn my "lessons" (as she called them) like I learned the lyrics to songs I would be the smartest girl in my class. Imagine that! When I was in the seventh grade I was in the chorus and continued to be in the chorus through the twelfth grade. Some of my fondest memories of school include those that involved the chorus classes, songs and trips. In college I was in Sing-a-Roma at Lipscomb University. I remember my freshman year (I was pledging) and was made to try out for a 4 girl 4 boy sing/dance routine. I was so embarrased and then when I made it was scared to death. Anyway, long story short, music has always play a major roll in my life. During the last year music has helped me to heal in many ways.
I think that music touches us in ways that not many other things can. Music can make me laugh but more often it can bring tears to my eyes. I have written the lyrics to several songs that have helped me put meaning and have some understanding through the last several years of life. I hope you will enjoy this random journey with me through song...
There's a spirit of a storm in my soul, a restlessness that I can't seem to tame. Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul.
There's a hurricane that's raging through my blood. I can't find a way to calm the sea. Maybe I'll find someday the waters aren't so rushed, right now they've got the best of me. And oh, it's been a long, long time since I had real peace of mind, so I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair till this storm rolls by.
Oh, maybe it's just the way I am, maybe I won't ever change. So I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair and just soak up the rain.
There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. Every time I think it's gone away, dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow the sun's going to shine someday I hope. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. in my soul.
God loves a lullaby in a mother's tear in the dead of night, better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry, a soldiers plea not to let him die, better than a Hallelujah. We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody...Beautiful the mess we are the honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a Hallelujah.
The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight. The tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come are better than a Hallelujah!!
Today I found myself, after searching all these years and the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be. I was lost when you found me here--and I was broken beyond repair--Then you came along and you sang your song over me. Make a promise to me now--reassure my heart somehow--that the love that I feel Is so much more real than anything.
I've a feeling in my soul and I pray that I'm not wrong, that the life I have now is only the beginning. Feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living for the very first time!
How long must I pray must I pray to you? How long must I wait must I wait for you? How long 'til I see your face see you shining through? I'm on my knee begging you to notice me. I'm on my knees Father will you turn to me?
One tear in the pouring rain, one voice in a sea of pain. Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life is all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart? I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before I say goodbye. But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why 'cause I'm on my knees begging you to turn to me. I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me? So many questions without answers-- your promises remain--I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear you call my name!
She got the call today, one out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she didn't believe, 'it could happen to me'. I guess we're all one phone call from our knees. We're gonna get there soon. If every building falls, and all the stars fade. We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away. I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too, cryin' in her room praying' "Lord come through". We're gonna get there soon.
Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way--Pull me out of the dark just to shoulder the weight--
Cryin' out now from so far away--you pull me closer to love, closer to love.
27 years (2 months) is too little, they let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us. Who have died to live, it's unfair.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held!
When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind, I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life. When I look back on these days I'll look and see your face, you were right there. In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there'll you'll be.
I want to live like there's no tomorrow. I want to dance like no one's around. I want to sing like nobody's listening before I lay my body down. I want to give like I have plenty. I want to love like I'm not afraid. I want to be the man (woman) I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made.
Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me Lord, close to you, close to you!! When words are not enough, listen to my heart!
Had it not been the Lord who was on my side, the water's would have engulfed me, I would have surely died! Had it not been the Lord who was on my side.
I don't ever want to get to the point that when I hear a certain song or smell a certain smell or go to a place we all loved that it doesn't bring a smile to my face. Memory is precious!