Friday, June 26, 2009

My Journey

This is the beginning of my journey, the journey without my dear, sweet Jon. I'm sure that events from now on will be marked. I hope to share some of my thoughts and struggles as I try to make some sense of what I am feeling and how much I love all of you who loved Jon and share in my grief.

Today is the 2 week anniversary of Jon's death...I think that Saturdays will forever be changed for David and me. We will probably wake at 4:30 am and just remember that fateful morning every Sat. for a long time. Thoughts flood my mind as we return from a week of healing at the beach with 20 members of our family. Many wonderful memories were made and it is bitter sweet because I know that Jon would have loved being there with the sun, surf, family, games and of course the women. I smile when I think of that grin and those long lanky arms hugging Nana and Paw paw and any others that wanted a hug. Hugs are therapeutic you know, they help to dilute the pain. A hug says ,"I am a child again. Please just hold me. Hold me quietly.... and let our spirits do the talking."

I have tried to read a lot, share a lot and remember a lot. I have tried to read in the Big Book everyday because Jon and I shared many thoughts from the Big Book. He would say, "Have you read page 100?" I would respond with, "No, but I will and have you read the story about...?" It gave me such an insight into Jon's true see Jon was a free spirit. It was hard for him to fit easily into this work-a-day world...

Just a glimpse into Jon's thinking. Here is a part of a letter he sent to me a couple of months ago:

"Mom, I thought my new life was going to suck, but how wrong I was. True and genuine feelings and emotions are starting to shoot through me when I do the next right thing. The God thing is coming for me, it's just a process with me. I need to just take one step at a time. God is like the wind mom, I can't see him but I can sure feel him and see what he's doing in my life and others"
As we returned home today we had so many cards to open that I still haven't read them all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring and sharing in our loss.
I want to share a verse that was shared with me. "You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." John 16:20
Praise Me. This I ask of you in times when it seems indescribably difficult to do so. I ask it of you in love that is stern at this point because I know unequivocally that praise is your only hope for survival.


  1. Denise, I pray that you may you continue to find healing. And, I know that you will. I relate so closely to many of your thoughts and feelings. Your courage is a tribute to your family, to the love you had for Jon, and to the God you serve. Love, Connie

  2. I know that Wednesday nights at 8:10 will never be the same, that the 16th of each month will always be a marker and that November 16th at 8:10 will always be the best and the worst day of our lives.

  3. You were my first inspiration to get myself into recovery and you continue to be such an inspiration to me!!! I see Jon's smiling face every day and as Josh said, I try to find the joy in every day.