This is the beginning of my journey, the journey without my dear, sweet Jon. I'm sure that events from now on will be marked. I hope to share some of my thoughts and struggles as I try to make some sense of what I am feeling and how much I love all of you who loved Jon and share in my grief.
Today is the 2 week anniversary of Jon's death...I think that Saturdays will forever be changed for David and me. We will probably wake at 4:30 am and just remember that fateful morning every Sat. for a long time. Thoughts flood my mind as we return from a week of healing at the beach with 20 members of our family. Many wonderful memories were made and it is bitter sweet because I know that Jon would have loved being there with the sun, surf, family, games and of course the women. I smile when I think of that grin and those long lanky arms hugging Nana and Paw paw and any others that wanted a hug. Hugs are therapeutic you know, they help to dilute the pain. A hug says ,"I am a child again. Please just hold me. Hold me quietly.... and let our spirits do the talking."
I have tried to read a lot, share a lot and remember a lot. I have tried to read in the Big Book everyday because Jon and I shared many thoughts from the Big Book. He would say, "Have you read page 100?" I would respond with, "No, but I will and have you read the story about...?" It gave me such an insight into Jon's true self...you see Jon was a free spirit. It was hard for him to fit easily into this work-a-day world...
Just a glimpse into Jon's thinking. Here is a part of a letter he sent to me a couple of months ago:
"Mom, I thought my new life was going to suck, but how wrong I was. True and genuine feelings and emotions are starting to shoot through me when I do the next right thing. The God thing is coming for me, it's just a process with me. I need to just take one step at a time. God is like the wind mom, I can't see him but I can sure feel him and see what he's doing in my life and others"
As we returned home today we had so many cards to open that I still haven't read them all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring and sharing in our loss.
I want to share a verse that was shared with me. "You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." John 16:20
Praise Me. This I ask of you in times when it seems indescribably difficult to do so. I ask it of you in love that is stern at this point because I know unequivocally that praise is your only hope for survival.