Songs what an inspiration!

Here it is the day before school begins and I am finally getting around to posting again. I have been thinking about this post for a long time and just have not taken the time to sit down long enough to get it done.

This past year has, no doubt, been the most difficult one in my life! The ups and downs of everyday life seem to be magnified when there is the cloud of grief in the air. As I am into the second month of the second year without Jon I have found that not much has changed...the flood of emotion is still there, the emptiness is still there and the big aching hole in your heart is still there. There are more good days than bad ones now and I can go to that dark place but I know that I don't want to live there...I cannot survive there.

Music and song have made a huge impact in my life. My mother was a "singer" my whole life. She sang everyday and everywhere. She had songs for rising in the morning and going to bed at night. She had songs for happy days and sad days. She sang church songs and popular songs. In other words...she sang and loved to sing. When I was growing up I loved songs on the radio. I would have notebook after notebook of the words of the songs that I loved. My mom told me once that if I would learn my "lessons" (as she called them) like I learned the lyrics to songs I would be the smartest girl in my class. Imagine that! When I was in the seventh grade I was in the chorus and continued to be in the chorus through the twelfth grade. Some of my fondest memories of school include those that involved the chorus classes, songs and trips. In college I was in Sing-a-Roma at Lipscomb University. I remember my freshman year (I was pledging) and was made to try out for a 4 girl 4 boy sing/dance routine. I was so embarrased and then when I made it was scared to death. Anyway, long story short, music has always play a major roll in my life. During the last year music has helped me to heal in many ways.

I think that music touches us in ways that not many other things can. Music can make me laugh but more often it can bring tears to my eyes. I have written the lyrics to several songs that have helped me put meaning and have some understanding through the last several years of life. I hope you will enjoy this random journey with me through song...

There's a spirit of a storm in my soul, a restlessness that I can't seem to tame. Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul.

There's a hurricane that's raging through my blood. I can't find a way to calm the sea. Maybe I'll find someday the waters aren't so rushed, right now they've got the best of me. And oh, it's been a long, long time since I had real peace of mind, so I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair till this storm rolls by.

Oh, maybe it's just the way I am, maybe I won't ever change. So I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair and just soak up the rain.

There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. Every time I think it's gone away, dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow the sun's going to shine someday I hope. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. in my soul.
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God loves a lullaby in a mother's tear in the dead of night, better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry, a soldiers plea not to let him die, better than a Hallelujah. We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody...Beautiful the mess we are the honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight. The tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come are better than a Hallelujah!!
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Today I found myself, after searching all these years and the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be. I was lost when you found me here--and I was broken beyond repair--Then you came along and you sang your song over me. Make a promise to me now--reassure my heart somehow--that the love that I feel Is so much more real than anything.

I've a feeling in my soul and I pray that I'm not wrong, that the life I have now is only the beginning. Feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living for the very first time!
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How long must I pray must I pray to you? How long must I wait must I wait for you? How long 'til I see your face see you shining through? I'm on my knee begging you to notice me. I'm on my knees Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the pouring rain, one voice in a sea of pain. Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart? I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before I say goodbye. But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why 'cause I'm on my knees begging you to turn to me. I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me? So many questions without answers-- your promises remain--I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear you call my name!
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She got the call today, one out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she didn't believe, 'it could happen to me'. I guess we're all one phone call from our knees. We're gonna get there soon. If every building falls, and all the stars fade. We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away. I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too, cryin' in her room praying' "Lord come through". We're gonna get there soon.
Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way--Pull me out of the dark just to shoulder the weight--
Cryin' out now from so far away--you pull me closer to love, closer to love.
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27 years (2 months) is too little, they let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us. Who have died to live, it's unfair.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held!
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When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind, I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life. When I look back on these days I'll look and see your face, you were right there. In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there'll you'll be.
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I want to live like there's no tomorrow. I want to dance like no one's around. I want to sing like nobody's listening before I lay my body down. I want to give like I have plenty. I want to love like I'm not afraid. I want to be the man (woman) I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made.
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Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me Lord, close to you, close to you!! When words are not enough, listen to my heart!
Had it not been the Lord who was on my side, the water's would have engulfed me, I would have surely died! Had it not been the Lord who was on my side.
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I don't ever want to get to the point that when I hear a certain song or smell a certain smell or go to a place we all loved that it doesn't bring a smile to my face. Memory is precious!

Did you get loved enough?

This is the week leading up to Jon's tragic accident. I have had lots of "thinking time" as school is out and my days are more of my own. This past week we traveled to San Diego to spend some time with Josh and to relax in a beautiful place. When I was at the ballgames I noticed those 9-10 year old boys and it reminded me so much of days past. Those days when we took our children to see a ballgame in Atlanta and how much fun we would have. Memory is a precious thing!
I was watching a movie Friday night. There was a line in this movie that nearly blew me away! I'll try to explain what had happened. There was a young girl in love with her childhood sweetheart. He was about to go off to the war so they were spending most of their time together. He left and she went on with her life. Then it happened, the word came...he was dead. Life went on and later she married another man whom people say she just "settled" for. They had 4 children and fussed and fought all of the time. Now the children are grown and the husband has come to grips with all that this life has dealt him. He does love his wife and whatever she can give him. He has come to visit his older daughter. She has been remembering the fighting that had gone on with her parents and as she is talking to her dad (whom she loves dearly and has shared so much with) she says, "Daddy, did you get loved enough?" Wow! What a question...did you get loved enough? I've thought about that statement so much lately and wondered how those closest to me would answer that question. I want to love enough and I want those close to me to feel like they are loved enough! I want to look for what is good, true and beautiful in each person I'm with. I want to let them know that we don't have to let the world squeeze us into its own mold. That each one is unique and valuable in the eyes of God...no one else is quite like you. No one has your life history, your viewpoint, your looks or your special gifts. Love like there is no tomorrow...because there may not be. "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." I John 4:7

Your Hands with Lyrics JJ Heller

Community of Faith

Saturday my cell phone just died. It wouldn't even turn on . I lost my numbers and everything. I had saved several voice mails over the past several years. A message that Josh left me when he found out he and Ginger were expecting Rhett, several birthday and Mother's day messages from family and a message from Jon that just happened to still be on my phone when his accident happened. It was really a sweet memory when it showed up one day this summer. You know how it goes, you have a voice mail, then when one is about to be discarded it comes up and says "One old message" and then there was Jon's voice saying, "Hey mom this is Jon, just call me when you get this message". WOW did that ever throw me for a loop! I just couldn't wait every month for that sweet voice to come up and warm my heart. You can imagine how I felt when I thought I had lost that message from Jon. I almost cried. I found out that my card had been saved and the message was on my card. I heard it today and was ecstatic! Along the same line I have saved the shirt Jon wore the day of his accident, never washed it. I have it hanging on my clothes basket. It smells just like Jon. When I smell it I am taken back to those precious days of living.

Lots of thoughts are going through my head. My "community of faith" that I so dearly love has lovingly cared for me through these last 9 months. C.S. Lewis once said, "In friendship, we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years differences in the dates of our birth, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not at a first meeting...any of these changes might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, 'You have not chosen me but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends, 'You have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.'"

Dreams

I love dreams. I really do. I just don't dream that much, or at least I don't dream much that I remember. I am going to tell you about 3 dreams that I have had since Jon's death. The first dream is about Jon. I had wanted to dream about Jon and one night about 3 weeks after his death I had this dream. It was so real to me. I was in this room with 3- 4 friends. We were all talking and one friend had this phone attached to the back of her neck. She said that she had an ear infection and that is why she had this phone "attached" to her. (I know this is really strange but this is how it went). All of a sudden I heard Jon's voice. I started calling his name and just wondering where he was. I was very anixous. All of a sudden I heard him say, "Mom, I'm with granddaddy!" That was it. WoW! If there was any doubt of where Jon was this confirmed it to me. How comforting.

The second dream was before we knew that Josh and Ginger were expecting another baby. I dreamed that they were expecting a baby. The next day I asked Ginger if she was pregnant. She said that they were going to tell us that day. What a blessing this has been.

The last dream happened this past week. I dreamed about my boys as toddlers. It was nothing spectacular, just a sweet, sweet family dream. I really didn't even remember that I had dreamed the dream until I was on my way home from working out. I was stopped at a red light and I thought...I dreamed about Jon last night. Sweet!

Dreams can be comforting, funny, revealing or just sweet remembrances. I hope there are more to come.

I will believe the voice of Truth!

You know there are so many things in this life that might give me conflicting feelings. My old nature seems to keep raising it's ugly head claiming to be alive...but through Christ, I am being remade. God is retelling my story in Jesus. Rob Bell says it best, "We are all longing to be comfortable in our own skin. But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together. Trust that through dying to the old, the new can give birth. Trust that Jesus can repair the scarred and broken image. It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance. God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you and me. There are no accidents. We need to embrace our true identity,who we are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform our lives."

How freeing it is to trust that grace pays the bill for all of us!

How comforting it is to realize that because Jon, being a baptized believer and moving in the direction of Jesus was covered by that grace that pays the bill for all of us. Satan would have us to believe differently but "the voice of Truth tells me a different story, the voice of Truth says, 'do not be afraid'.. The voice of Truth says, 'this is for my glory'. Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth!"

There is nothing like seeing your new grandson for the first time. Ryder Jon Willingham was born Tuesday, Feb. 23 at 9:09 pm. he weighed in at 7lbs and 15ozs and was 22 inches long. He has been under the oxygen tent and in Huntsville's nicu so I haven't been able to hold him yet. I can's wait until I can hold him in my arms. I am flooded with emotion when I think about all of the things that have happened the last 7-8 months. There have been summer vacations, a baseball season, a new school year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a New Year, birthdays and special times spent with family and friends...all without Jon. There is not a day that goes by without many thoughts and memories of times spent together. Now this new life is present, softening real life a bit. Psalms 118:23 says, "The Lord has done this, and it is amazing to see."