God is in the Wind

Songs what an inspiration!

2010-08-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

Here it is the day before school begins and I am finally getting around to posting again. I have been thinking about this post for a long time and just have not taken the time to sit down long enough to get it done.

This past year has, no doubt, been the most difficult one in my life! The ups and downs of everyday life seem to be magnified when there is the cloud of grief in the air. As I am into the second month of the second year without Jon I have found that not much has changed...the flood of emotion is still there, the emptiness is still there and the big aching hole in your heart is still there. There are more good days than bad ones now and I can go to that dark place but I know that I don't want to live there...I cannot survive there.

Music and song have made a huge impact in my life. My mother was a "singer" my whole life. She sang everyday and everywhere. She had songs for rising in the morning and going to bed at night. She had songs for happy days and sad days. She sang church songs and popular songs. In other words...she sang and loved to sing. When I was growing up I loved songs on the radio. I would have notebook after notebook of the words of the songs that I loved. My mom told me once that if I would learn my "lessons" (as she called them) like I learned the lyrics to songs I would be the smartest girl in my class. Imagine that! When I was in the seventh grade I was in the chorus and continued to be in the chorus through the twelfth grade. Some of my fondest memories of school include those that involved the chorus classes, songs and trips. In college I was in Sing-a-Roma at Lipscomb University. I remember my freshman year (I was pledging) and was made to try out for a 4 girl 4 boy sing/dance routine. I was so embarrased and then when I made it was scared to death. Anyway, long story short, music has always play a major roll in my life. During the last year music has helped me to heal in many ways.

I think that music touches us in ways that not many other things can. Music can make me laugh but more often it can bring tears to my eyes. I have written the lyrics to several songs that have helped me put meaning and have some understanding through the last several years of life. I hope you will enjoy this random journey with me through song...

There's a spirit of a storm in my soul, a restlessness that I can't seem to tame. Thunder and lightning follow everywhere I go. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul.

There's a hurricane that's raging through my blood. I can't find a way to calm the sea. Maybe I'll find someday the waters aren't so rushed, right now they've got the best of me. And oh, it's been a long, long time since I had real peace of mind, so I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair till this storm rolls by.

Oh, maybe it's just the way I am, maybe I won't ever change. So I'm just going to sit right here in this old chair and just soak up the rain.

There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. Every time I think it's gone away, dark clouds gather, that old wind begins to blow the sun's going to shine someday I hope. There's a spirit of a storm in my soul. in my soul.
----

God loves a lullaby in a mother's tear in the dead of night, better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry, a soldiers plea not to let him die, better than a Hallelujah. We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody...Beautiful the mess we are the honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a Hallelujah.

The woman holding on for life, the dying man giving up the fight. The tears of shame for what's been done, the silence when the words won't come are better than a Hallelujah!!
----

Today I found myself, after searching all these years and the man that I saw, he wasn't at all who I thought he'd be. I was lost when you found me here--and I was broken beyond repair--Then you came along and you sang your song over me. Make a promise to me now--reassure my heart somehow--that the love that I feel Is so much more real than anything.

I've a feeling in my soul and I pray that I'm not wrong, that the life I have now is only the beginning. Feels like I'm born again, feels like I'm living for the very first time!
----

How long must I pray must I pray to you? How long must I wait must I wait for you? How long 'til I see your face see you shining through? I'm on my knee begging you to notice me. I'm on my knees Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the pouring rain, one voice in a sea of pain. Could the maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?

One life is all I am. Right now I can barely stand. If you're everything you say you are would you come close and hold my heart? I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes. So much can slip away before I say goodbye. But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why 'cause I'm on my knees begging you to turn to me. I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me? So many questions without answers-- your promises remain--I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear you call my name!
----

She got the call today, one out of the gray. And when the smoke cleared, it took her breath away. She said she didn't believe, 'it could happen to me'. I guess we're all one phone call from our knees. We're gonna get there soon. If every building falls, and all the stars fade. We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away. I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too, cryin' in her room praying' "Lord come through". We're gonna get there soon.
Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way--Pull me out of the dark just to shoulder the weight--
Cryin' out now from so far away--you pull me closer to love, closer to love.
----

27 years (2 months) is too little, they let him go. They had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued? What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us. Who have died to live, it's unfair.
This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held!
----

When I think back on these times and the dreams we left behind, I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life. When I look back on these days I'll look and see your face, you were right there. In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life. I'll keep a part of you with me and everywhere I am there'll you'll be.
----

I want to live like there's no tomorrow. I want to dance like no one's around. I want to sing like nobody's listening before I lay my body down. I want to give like I have plenty. I want to love like I'm not afraid. I want to be the man (woman) I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made.
-------
Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me, Lord! Oh draw me Lord, close to you, close to you!! When words are not enough, listen to my heart!
Had it not been the Lord who was on my side, the water's would have engulfed me, I would have surely died! Had it not been the Lord who was on my side.
-----

I don't ever want to get to the point that when I hear a certain song or smell a certain smell or go to a place we all loved that it doesn't bring a smile to my face. Memory is precious!

Did you get loved enough?

2010-06-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

This is the week leading up to Jon's tragic accident. I have had lots of "thinking time" as school is out and my days are more of my own. This past week we traveled to San Diego to spend some time with Josh and to relax in a beautiful place. When I was at the ballgames I noticed those 9-10 year old boys and it reminded me so much of days past. Those days when we took our children to see a ballgame in Atlanta and how much fun we would have. Memory is a precious thing!
I was watching a movie Friday night. There was a line in this movie that nearly blew me away! I'll try to explain what had happened. There was a young girl in love with her childhood sweetheart. He was about to go off to the war so they were spending most of their time together. He left and she went on with her life. Then it happened, the word came...he was dead. Life went on and later she married another man whom people say she just "settled" for. They had 4 children and fussed and fought all of the time. Now the children are grown and the husband has come to grips with all that this life has dealt him. He does love his wife and whatever she can give him. He has come to visit his older daughter. She has been remembering the fighting that had gone on with her parents and as she is talking to her dad (whom she loves dearly and has shared so much with) she says, "Daddy, did you get loved enough?" Wow! What a question...did you get loved enough? I've thought about that statement so much lately and wondered how those closest to me would answer that question. I want to love enough and I want those close to me to feel like they are loved enough! I want to look for what is good, true and beautiful in each person I'm with. I want to let them know that we don't have to let the world squeeze us into its own mold. That each one is unique and valuable in the eyes of God...no one else is quite like you. No one has your life history, your viewpoint, your looks or your special gifts. Love like there is no tomorrow...because there may not be. "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." I John 4:7

Your Hands with Lyrics JJ Heller

2010-05-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Community of Faith

2010-03-16T18:46:00.000-07:00

Saturday my cell phone just died. It wouldn't even turn on . I lost my numbers and everything. I had saved several voice mails over the past several years. A message that Josh left me when he found out he and Ginger were expecting Rhett, several birthday and Mother's day messages from family and a message from Jon that just happened to still be on my phone when his accident happened. It was really a sweet memory when it showed up one day this summer. You know how it goes, you have a voice mail, then when one is about to be discarded it comes up and says "One old message" and then there was Jon's voice saying, "Hey mom this is Jon, just call me when you get this message". WOW did that ever throw me for a loop! I just couldn't wait every month for that sweet voice to come up and warm my heart. You can imagine how I felt when I thought I had lost that message from Jon. I almost cried. I found out that my card had been saved and the message was on my card. I heard it today and was ecstatic! Along the same line I have saved the shirt Jon wore the day of his accident, never washed it. I have it hanging on my clothes basket. It smells just like Jon. When I smell it I am taken back to those precious days of living.

Lots of thoughts are going through my head. My "community of faith" that I so dearly love has lovingly cared for me through these last 9 months. C.S. Lewis once said, "In friendship, we think we have chosen our peers. In reality, a few years differences in the dates of our birth, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another, posting to different regiments, the accident of a topic being raised or not at a first meeting...any of these changes might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are strictly speaking, no chances. A secret Master of Ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, 'You have not chosen me but I have chosen you,' can truly say to every group of Christian friends, 'You have not chosen one another, but I have chosen you for one another.'"

Dreams

2010-03-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

I love dreams. I really do. I just don't dream that much, or at least I don't dream much that I remember. I am going to tell you about 3 dreams that I have had since Jon's death. The first dream is about Jon. I had wanted to dream about Jon and one night about 3 weeks after his death I had this dream. It was so real to me. I was in this room with 3- 4 friends. We were all talking and one friend had this phone attached to the back of her neck. She said that she had an ear infection and that is why she had this phone "attached" to her. (I know this is really strange but this is how it went). All of a sudden I heard Jon's voice. I started calling his name and just wondering where he was. I was very anixous. All of a sudden I heard him say, "Mom, I'm with granddaddy!" That was it. WoW! If there was any doubt of where Jon was this confirmed it to me. How comforting.

The second dream was before we knew that Josh and Ginger were expecting another baby. I dreamed that they were expecting a baby. The next day I asked Ginger if she was pregnant. She said that they were going to tell us that day. What a blessing this has been.

The last dream happened this past week. I dreamed about my boys as toddlers. It was nothing spectacular, just a sweet, sweet family dream. I really didn't even remember that I had dreamed the dream until I was on my way home from working out. I was stopped at a red light and I thought...I dreamed about Jon last night. Sweet!

Dreams can be comforting, funny, revealing or just sweet remembrances. I hope there are more to come.

I will believe the voice of Truth!

2010-03-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

You know there are so many things in this life that might give me conflicting feelings. My old nature seems to keep raising it's ugly head claiming to be alive...but through Christ, I am being remade. God is retelling my story in Jesus. Rob Bell says it best, "We are all longing to be comfortable in our own skin. But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together. Trust that through dying to the old, the new can give birth. Trust that Jesus can repair the scarred and broken image. It is trusting that I am loved. That I always have been. That I always will be I don't have to do anything. I don't have to prove anything or achieve anything or accomplish one more thing. That exactly as I am, I am totally accepted, forgiven, and there is nothing I could ever do to lose this acceptance. God knew exactly what he was doing when he made you and me. There are no accidents. We need to embrace our true identity,who we are in Christ, letting this new awareness transform our lives."

How freeing it is to trust that grace pays the bill for all of us!

How comforting it is to realize that because Jon, being a baptized believer and moving in the direction of Jesus was covered by that grace that pays the bill for all of us. Satan would have us to believe differently but "the voice of Truth tells me a different story, the voice of Truth says, 'do not be afraid'.. The voice of Truth says, 'this is for my glory'. Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth!"

2010-02-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

There is nothing like seeing your new grandson for the first time. Ryder Jon Willingham was born Tuesday, Feb. 23 at 9:09 pm. he weighed in at 7lbs and 15ozs and was 22 inches long. He has been under the oxygen tent and in Huntsville's nicu so I haven't been able to hold him yet. I can's wait until I can hold him in my arms. I am flooded with emotion when I think about all of the things that have happened the last 7-8 months. There have been summer vacations, a baseball season, a new school year, Thanksgiving, Christmas, a New Year, birthdays and special times spent with family and friends...all without Jon. There is not a day that goes by without many thoughts and memories of times spent together. Now this new life is present, softening real life a bit. Psalms 118:23 says, "The Lord has done this, and it is amazing to see."

Better Than a Hallelujah

2010-02-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

I love these lyrics. It's from the new Amy Grant CD, Somewhere Down the Road.

God is who He says He is!

2010-02-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

Here it is Feb. 2010! The holidays have come and gone and I'm still hanging on to life and to the reality of everything. Everyday is filled with thoughts of Jon but usually in a happy "remembering" way. The ladies prayer group at Cross Point gave me some wind chimes to put in my "Jon garden". Just about every morning that I have time to wake up and listen I will hear them chiming right outside my bedroom window. I always think Jon is blowing them around for me to hear. This always
brings happy thoughts to mind.
We have been studing "Believing God" by Beth Moore for the last few months. Several things in this study have spoken to me directly. One is that God promises that where the need is great, grace abounds more. Like the manna in the wilderness there is always just enough for our need. The reason we don't crumble to the fear or discouragement in our lives is because the presence of God is always in the middle of our circumstance. Even if we don't see Him right away, He is there...I think that is where faith comes into the picture. I want to grab onto the Lord with everything that I have and trust in His ability to succeed and not mine! I know that God is counting on me to get up everyday and give Him the glory. I hold on to these words of Jesus in John 16:33
"I have told you this, so that you might have peace in your hearts because of me. While you are in the world, you will have to suffer. But cheer up! I have defeated the world"

A God Story

2009-12-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

One of the sweet reminders Christmas brings is that God shows up in the most unlikely places. Not just in the big, fancy churches, but out among the everyday folks. In the storefronts and shelters, in all of lifes troubles and uncertainties-the days when it feels like "there's just no room in the inn." God's right there with us--powerful and poor alike--guiding and loving us the way only He can do. What a sweet promise to cling to. What a wonderful reason to praise His holy name!

I don't know if it is well known that a portion of the chain Jon wore around his neck was found in the car following his accident. I took the pieces to a local jeweler and they made a bracelett with the pieces adding Jon's birthstone and those of Josh, Ginger and Rhett. I thought it was beautiful. Friday somewhere between home, school, and the Sugar Plum market it fell off my wrist. I didn't notice it until late that night. That next morning I just told myself that if God wanted me to find my bracelett He would find it for me...I called someone working at SP Market and someone who was going to be at Mars Hill for a ballgame Sat. morning to just look around and see if they found it. I did pray about finding it knowing and believing that if it were meant to be I would find it. That night I got a call. Someone found my bracelett somewhere in the gym and put it in the concession stand so it would be found easily. WOW. I am so thankful to have found my sentimental bracelett with God's help!

This morning an angel called and wanted to put my Christmas tree up. Now you have to know someone loves you if they volunteer to put your Christmas tree up!! I have been struggling emotionally the last few days knowing that the holidays were going to be harder than I thought. I have just not been into the Christmas decorating thing, but was trying to do the best that I could. What a blessing it was to come home to a beautifully decorated tree. I am so thankful for loving, caring friends who are the living, breathing image of God here on this earth.

A favorite scripture of mine

2009-12-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

Blessed are you, O Lord, the God of Israel our father, forever and ever. Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdon, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all. Now we thank you, our God, and praise your glorious name. I Chronicles 29:11-13

Holidays, memories and more

2009-12-01T15:16:00.000-08:00

As I write down my thoughts so much has happened. Jon's birthday has come and gone (Oct. 19),Thanksgiving has come and gone and so many emotions have flooded my heart.
We celebrated Jon's life Oct. 19 at Diann's house. Emotions were crazy as we thought about how Jon had blessed all of our lives.

Thanksgiving has brought new feeling to the surface as I try to honor Jon in special ways. Before our Thanksgiving meal, I lit a special candle and told one of my favorite "Jon" stories and asked everyone to share one of theirs. Here was mine. One day I was in the kitchen and Jon came down from upstairs. I was burning a Christmas cookie candle and as he came down and into the kitchen he said, "This smells good enough to eat!" Everytime I smell a Christmas cookie candle I think about Jon and how uninhibited he was about expressing whatever it was that he felt...I want to live my live like that, unafraid to express whatever it is that I'm feeling. I sent one of these candles over seas when he was in the Navy...he told me later, "Thanks mom, but no candles on the ship." Burn a Christmas cookie candle in Jon's memory during the holidays and let me know about it!

This past weekend we flew to San Antonio, Tx to be with a first cousin of David's. I think that he was thinking that we needed a change during the holidays...anyway we attended worship at Oak Hills church where Max Lacado preaches. It was such an inspiring service and one I will never forget! I know one thing for sure, there are no random acts in this world. God had full intentions of David and me being at that service that Sunday morning. The lesson was about the 10 leapers and only one coming back to say thank you...we have all heard that story and probably know it by heart, here is the twist, he asked his wife to stand in the audience and told her in front of the crowd of about 1000 that he love her, was thankful for her and appreciated her alwasy believing in him and supporting him. Next he asked his son-in-law to stand up and said that he always thought that there would never be anyone good enough for his daughter. He thanked him for loving his daughter, taking care of his daughter and being the Christian man that he was. As his voice cracked he said, "You see, it isn't always easy to say thank you to those you need to say thank you to, but it is ALWAYS the right thing to do"...WOW! We all know that is true. Next we received a paper leaf (various colors)on which we were to right what we were thankful for. As I begin writing I can honestly say that I am so thankful for all of the things Jon taught me. How he made me laugh and how much fun he brought into our family. How he loved Josh, Ginger and Rhett. How he loved a good card game. How he loved people. How mad he made me when he would do something really stupid. How close he and David were. How he would say, "I love you, mom." I learned so much through his struggles. I know he felt so trapped there until God's love and grace took over and set him free. I know he is in a much better place and I am so thankful for that. He is truly at peace.

Dec.13 is the date for the annual candle light service. This service will be at Cross Point church of Christ at 3. Come support friends and honor Jon and others you know who have lost precious children.

One last thought, I found this awesome book while we were out of town this past weekend...Giraffes Can't Dance. Love it! It is a story about a giraffe named Gerald who couldn't dance. The other animals did a wonderful job of dancing and when it was Gerald's turn he just froze, walked off the dance floor and started walking home sad and alone. He met a cricket who believed in him and told him, "Sometimes when you're different you just need a different song." Well, you guessed it, when Gerold heard "his" song he really could dance. This book made me think about Jon so much...he just needed a different song. Now he has a beautiful song, "his" song, and is dancing the most beautiful waltz ever!

The Journey Continues

2009-10-11T16:43:00.001-07:00

So much has happened since my last post...school started, found out that I am going to be a grandmother again, Josh, Ginger and Rhett have gotten home, Alabama football is in full swing (Jon's favorite), and I have just returned from an awesome weekend with some of the most wonderful Christian women that I know. We participated in the best praise and worship ever and heard a much needed message from the Word of God. I am blessed.

I want to seek God to find him, not to see Him perform. I love Him because He is my God, not to see what He can do for me. Everytime that Jesus shows Himself to me I want to be changed. I know that the secrets of the kingdom belong to those who seek Him and I want to know those secrets!

Several things that were said this weekend touched me deeply. One of them was about our wounds. In Ps 147:3 It says,"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds". But what happens when our wounds don't heal? Ps 38:5 says they fester and are loathsome and Isaiah 1:6 says unhealed wounds hurt you from the sole of your feet to the top of your head. So what does that say to me? That my personal pain can become like an idol to me if I let it. Personal pain and loss has changed my life. I'll never get over losing Jon and I will forever hang on to the precious memories that I have of him...but God trusts that I will live my life with the hope of seeing Jon again...of not living in dispair. I want to honor that trust. I want my life to be defined by my experiences because our personal experiences do make us who we are...what I don't want is for my experiences to be all that I am...I don't want them to be my idol.

October 19th is Jon's birthday...it would have been his 28th. We will celebrate his life and share memories of him that day. Keep us in your prayers as we march past these mile stones along this journey we are traveling. Thanks for your love and concern and most of all for loving us, loving Jon and just caring.

Give Me Your Eyes

2009-07-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
Wasn't it far beyond my reach?
Give me Your heart for the once forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see!!!

I begin this post on July 13...one month past the single event that will forever change my life here on this earth. We have had a roller coaster ride these last 4 weeks! One week at the beach with family, one week of teaching 65 boys and girls swimming lessons, celebrated my birthday without Jon and joining Josh in Houston for a 4 game series before coming home for the All Star break. Emotions continue to flood my mind. I know this, life is just a breath, a vapor here today but we are not guaranteed a day...not one of us.

I received a note from an aunt of David's who also has lost a son. So much in the letter has given me peace but one comment she made has made me think so much about the actions I want to take daily. "Denise, take care of each other". That sounds pretty simple but do we always "take care of each other"? Do we always notice when someone is struggling or not having a good day or just need a friend? I want to! I want to be gentle with all kinds of people that come and go in my life. I think that many of life's treasures are hidden from us because we never search for them. I want to be a better steward of my opportunities!

I know this much is true. If you want to lift yourself up, try lifting up someone else. True happiness comes from serving others. The seeds of depression cannot take root in a grateful heart! I have so much to be grateful for. I see that everyday. I have always heard that every one of us is always 'in a crisis, coming out of a crisis, or headed for a crisis'. Maybe it's how we handle situations that matter. Sometimes,I think we determine our actions on how we feel others think that we should act. I want to be true to myself and to how I think that God wants me to act or react to situations in my life. I want to be a vessel. I think that only through complete and repeated commitment to God lies the key to victories that can be more easily won, less painfully achieved and more quickly gained. Only then will the valleys become less deep and less dark and more quickly passed through!

I know that God is taking care of me! Every time I am having a day that may be sadder than some He sends me an angel. A friend that brings me lunch or takes me to a "spa day" or comes by to say that she loves me and is praying for me. Someone calls or writes a note with just the right words comes in the mail or any number of things that so many of you are doing and continue to do as we so clumsily continue on this journey. Thank you, I love you and I know that God has sent you to me!

Our Gifts

2009-07-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking so much lately about life, love, God and how all of this comes together. God shows himself in so many ways, usually in the stillness of his beautiful creation. Maybe in the ocean or the beauty of a flower garden maybe in a smile or the hug of a friend. I have always loved Psalms 56. Some of my favorite verses are "...even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting you. You have kept record of my days of wandering. You have stored my tears in a bottle and counted each of them."

Understanding the mind of God is impossible. I don't even try. He loves me, I know it. I believe it. "What God has planned for people who love him is more than eyes have seen or ears have heard. It has never even entered our minds!" I Cor. 2:9

Jon had many gifts. Among them were his smile, his sence of humor, his tender heart, his hugs and his ability to make friends and be friendly to everyone. One I want to tell you about today is his gift of life and sight to several people that will forever be indebted to Jon. We received a letter this week from Alabama Eye Bank. They informed us that Jon's eye tissue had been used to restore the sight of two very fortunate individuals. This makes me happy as Jon will live on in some small way through this compasionate donation. I'm sure we will find out later about his heart and large bones in his legs that were used to help someone suffering with bone cancer.

Everyone on earth is designed to make a difference. Jon made a difference. I am learning more and more about how he did make a difference. He is still making a difference in the lives of others through his story and through his gifts.

The greatest mark we can make is to show others who God is...we do this by loving others.

A song I've been listening to -

2009-06-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

Song For My Sons

by Sara Groves

this is a song for my sons for when they understand it
you know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and i prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

this is a song from my heart a small refrain to hold you
for times when we're apart and i cannot console you
i can't say your life will always go like it should
but i can say that God is always good

and when the cold wind blows like i know it will
and when you feel alone like i know you will
and when the cold wind blows like i know it will

don't let your love grow
don't let your love grow
don't let your love grow cold

this is a song for my sons for when they understand it
you know how life is full you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and i prayed for strength and understanding
for things we couldn't see or comprehend

this a song for you, to carry in your pocket
take all our love with you in all the paths you walk in
be honest with yourself and don't forget to pray
and read your bible everyday

and when the cold wind blows like i know it will
and when you feel alone like i know you will
and when the cold wind blows like i know it will

chorus 2x

this is a song for my sons for when they understand it
you know how life is full, you know we couldn't plan it
your dad and i pray for your strength and understanding
the things you can not see or comprehend

My Journey

2009-06-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

This is the beginning of my journey, the journey without my dear, sweet Jon. I'm sure that events from now on will be marked. I hope to share some of my thoughts and struggles as I try to make some sense of what I am feeling and how much I love all of you who loved Jon and share in my grief.

Today is the 2 week anniversary of Jon's death...I think that Saturdays will forever be changed for David and me. We will probably wake at 4:30 am and just remember that fateful morning every Sat. for a long time. Thoughts flood my mind as we return from a week of healing at the beach with 20 members of our family. Many wonderful memories were made and it is bitter sweet because I know that Jon would have loved being there with the sun, surf, family, games and of course the women. I smile when I think of that grin and those long lanky arms hugging Nana and Paw paw and any others that wanted a hug. Hugs are therapeutic you know, they help to dilute the pain. A hug says ,"I am a child again. Please just hold me. Hold me quietly.... and let our spirits do the talking."

I have tried to read a lot, share a lot and remember a lot. I have tried to read in the Big Book everyday because Jon and I shared many thoughts from the Big Book. He would say, "Have you read page 100?" I would respond with, "No, but I will and have you read the story about...?" It gave me such an insight into Jon's true self...you see Jon was a free spirit. It was hard for him to fit easily into this work-a-day world...

Just a glimpse into Jon's thinking. Here is a part of a letter he sent to me a couple of months ago:

"Mom, I thought my new life was going to suck, but how wrong I was. True and genuine feelings and emotions are starting to shoot through me when I do the next right thing. The God thing is coming for me, it's just a process with me. I need to just take one step at a time. God is like the wind mom, I can't see him but I can sure feel him and see what he's doing in my life and others"

As we returned home today we had so many cards to open that I still haven't read them all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for caring and sharing in our loss.

I want to share a verse that was shared with me. "You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy." John 16:20

Praise Me. This I ask of you in times when it seems indescribably difficult to do so. I ask it of you in love that is stern at this point because I know unequivocally that praise is your only hope for survival.